My Twin

There is an evil twin

that lives within

the eyes I see in the mirror.

Her strength, it grew

and before I knew

I had come to fear her.

She lives inside

and has not died

although I thought she had.

I hear her voice.

I have no choice.

It nearly drives me mad.

Lust and pride

subtly hide

beneath her sly façade

and all the while

she seems to smile

lovingly at God.

From deep within I hear a cry:

the me-I-want-to-be screams, “crucify!”

Dying to yourself,

the ultimate war,

denying the things

the world strives for.

DIE! Die evil twin

I want no more!

No more of you and your evil lies!

No more of the things that I despise.

I humble myself in the sight of Him

who gave me His strength

and forgave my sin.

I fear no more that dreadful twin,

but each day I must die

to the lie within.

jth- 1/23/92

Flipping the Bird*

Some guy on a random street at a stop light ‘flipped the bird’ at two old ladies who were in his way. He squelched his tires and sped around their car.

One of these ladies was the passenger in the vehicle. She is 89 years old. When she saw his outrageous and uncalled for behavior, she said, so kindly, “I hope he gets home safely.”

The other old lady was me. As he honked at me and sped passed, I honked right back, saying, “Dude, what is your problem?”

My eighty-nine year old mother said, “Well, he’s in a hurry.”

I judged him by his intentionally rude, hateful gesture, and his hostile, aggressive driving. My kind mother offered grace.

I took it personally while she prayed for his safety.

When will I be as gentle and kind as she?

I was reading through my Bible App just that morning and next to the passage that says I should exhibit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control, I had added a note that said, “WORK on kindness.”

This ‘bird-flipping man’ has led me to believe that I need to work also on self-control, gentleness, and patience.

I am thankful for the beautiful role model who was in the car with me on our way to eat ice cream. She showed me the correct response to the situation.

I am also thankful to see that there is more of my Character that needs to be yielded to God.

I do hope you made it home safely, Bird-Flipping, Lesson-Teaching man.

I do. ~~~~~

If you don’t know:

‘flipping the bird’ is a rude gesture associated with the worst of all vulgar words.

A New Wind

I met a new Wind.

I asked him, “From where did you come, and where are you going?”

He answered, “I came from where I was. I am going to where I will be.”

It struck me; our commonality.

“Are you blown by force or do you choose your path? Do you meander through the glade and whisper through the trees, or are you compelled along by nature’s cruelty?

“I ask you the same,” said the wind in a lofty breeze. “Why are you here to question me?

Do you chose your path? I must boldly ask.

We met in the the moment you saw my force. I would not have stopped but you questioned my course.

Be on your way now, to tell your tale of when you spoke with the wind.

Go where you are going, but remember where you have been.”

I met a new Wind.

The Unplanned Path

Unexpected Grief comes upon you without your permission. Without you allowing it to enter your life, it pushes in with maximum force causing your heart to crumble and your soul to tremble.

There is a Shadow in a cliff that offers quiet refuge. It is difficult to find in the shock of your situation. Who is able to look for refuge when the soul is outraged by unexpected injustice or the cruel reality of Death?

Blindness comes with Grief. Numbing heart-wrenching darkness swirling around clarity. Nothing is solid. Life is flux. There is a devastating tremor; terror stops reality and a dimensional sense of time and space invades thoughts and actions and emotions.

There is a Shadow in a cliff that offers quiet refuge. There is a place where the unending flood of tears is gently collected in eternal vessels. In the Shadow, questions go unanswered and yet the free flowing tears which do not lessen the pain, allow movement and motion to slowly creep to the edge of the mind’s precipice.

Momentum. No. Hope. No. Acceptance? How.

Motion however slightly, returns to the rocky precipice and with the quiet breeze of the Shadow comes the first ability. One beat. One small beat of the breaking heart begins. It moves, feels, sees; a life unplanned. One step forward on a broken journey; unwanted. Now, one step forward on this unplanned path.

Competitive Nature

The Strange Competitive Nature of People…

Why is it when I’m driving on the freeway, the CAR driving in the lane next to me speeds up and slows down to keep me from passing? We are not going to the same place. I am not trying to beat him to some mutual destination. There is a huge honking pickup truck trying to swallow my bumper. I am just wanting to move into the appropriate lane so that Mr. Pickup Truck will pass me.

The CAR in the lane next to me matches my speed. Why? If I slow down; CAR slows down, if I speed up; CAR speeds up. All the while, Mr. Pickup Truck believes that CAR and I are playing a twisted game of don’t-let-HIM-pass.

Where are we going that we must beat the other? We are on the same road. We are going in the same direction.

Where are manners, politeness, courtesy and kindness?

There is a strange competitive nature of people.

If I win; you lose.

If I am first; you are not.

Do I have manners, politeness, courtesy and kindness even when I lose…even when it appears that I am not the first or the best.

Will I be mad at Mr. Truck for so rudely pushing me beyond the speed limit? Will I want to scream at silly CAR for being obliviously in my way?

Yes; and yes.

Too bad. This realization is humbling. I am a strange and competitive person even when there is no race and there are no stakes.

Could I compete in something that truly matters?

Could I work to win at love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, meekness and self control? Could I rein in the hostile nature of my competitiveness and honor another person just because life is more than sharing a road and going in the same direction. Honor another? Will I?

Yes. This is a race with high stakes. This is a place where I want to attempt the win.

With this strange competitive nature of mine and a newly chosen focus, I may lose.

I may lose my attitude, my hidden hatefulness, and thinly veiled hostility.

I may gain.

Christ in me. The HOPE of glory.

Mr. Pickup Truck and CAR; I will try.

I WILL try, on my honor, to honor this new resolve.

Flip

I had a friend named Flip.

Flip owned, and operated a prosperous lawn and garden center.

Flip took a chance on me, one with no experience growing anything, and hired me, as his first seasonal employee.

One day Flip decided to take lunch offsite. He gave me detailed instruction on what he needed me to do while he was gone.

He needed me to ‘deadhead’ the purple petunias by removing the spent blooms down to the next leaf joint. He explained that by removing the faded flowers, the plant would continue producing new flowers, and would stay in bloom longer.

Purple petunias are my favorite with their deep purple color and their faint, mysterious scent.

I was so happy to have a task that was uncomplicated and yet would continue the cycle of glorious petunia purple-ness.

I was happy to have the task completed as I saw him pulling into the parking lot. I had deadheaded the petunias, cleaned up my mess, and displayed the baskets along with the other flowers.

As Flip walked towards me his face showed dismay. It was not the dismay I expected. He was confounded as he asked, “What did you do?!”

I was startled, since I did what he asked me to do.

“No. No. No! I asked you to deadhead them. You have removed all the blooms.”

He then showed me what the new blooms looked like and questioned me. “Don’t you see the difference?”

I hadn’t noticed a difference until he pointed it out to me. The new and old blooms had looked the same with just subtle differences that I will now forever remember.

Flip.

Thank you for not getting hostile or mad. Thank you for using that moment to train me further in my knowledge of plant cycles, growth, and care.

Thank you most of all for teaching me how to rectify a plant-based mistake.

Fertilize it with phosphate, with potash, and give it time. It will bloom again.

I remember your lesson Flip.

I apply it often.

*Learn bloom stages.

*For vigorous growth, remove the dead blooms.

*When I cut away the wrong things, do damage control by adding nutrients.

*Most important: give it time.

And so I will Flip- so I will.

Diamonds

The diamonds in the grass

The diamonds in the skies

Are diamonds in my heart

And diamonds in my eyes.

Surprised the thirsty Earth

The gentle pouring Rain

Was washing clean the dirt

While easing parching pain.

Droplets of dew on grass

Sparkles of stars in sky

Ignited hope in heart

Renewed love in my eyes.

Diamonds clear

Conquer fear.

The diamonds in my eyes.

Full Disclosure Here

Human Resource jargon is the worst.

If you want me to ‘Reach out’ to someone, what happens if we touch? Is that terminable? Shouldn’t I just make a quick call?

If you want to be ‘Fully Transparent’ will I just hear a disembodied voice?

This brings me to another question… why work? If you have the ability to be fully transparent; go National! Call the tabloids, or the network news. You have an incredible skill. It has to be on the Super Hero list of skills.

Full Disclosure. Why? Partial disclosure is more than I can possibly bear.

HR Jargon; it makes me laugh.

Where Did I Have it Last?

My daddy had an annoying habit.

When I lost something, which was quite often, he would ask me where I had it last.

As a teenager, I always wanted to reply, “Einstein, if I knew where I had it last, I’d know where it is.”

I was a very compliant child, so I just bit my tongue in frustration and continued my search.

One day my dad and I connected in some strange cosmic anomaly. He realized my frustrations and asked me why I was so mad at him.

“It makes me so mad because if I knew where I had it last, I would know where it is,” I replied.

“No. If you know where you ‘think you had it last’ we can start from there and try to reconstruct where you went, or what you did next,” said my wise father.

The cosmic anomaly opened my eyes to a new way of thinking.

First, my daddy wasn’t trying to irritate me, he was trying to help. Second, strange cosmic anomalies do exist. Third, and most important to me is, “Where DID I have it last?”

My glasses, my phone, my keys, my sanity, my memory… when I follow the ‘where did I have it last’ method, I almost always recover that thing which I lost.

It works well for glasses, phones, and keys…

my sanity, my memory… these… ?

Where DID I have them last?